LOVE, in many languages

Two blog posts in a day, WHOAAA!!! I’m feeling especially type-y, though, because the keyboard on my laptop is VERY old and the 3edc keys rarely work anymore… .which are pretty crucial letters when you want to express yourself in words. BUT, the keys have been working for the past few days so I wanted to take advantage of that. This post is more of a reflection than an update of “this is what my life is like”.

JVC is a program that focuses on spirituality, simplicity, community, and social justice, which I’ve probably said a bunch of times. Every week, on Monday night we have community night, where the four of us do a community building activity, which can range from watching a movie to carving potato stamps (Shea’s idea, it was pretty epic), to reflecting about certain community-related topics. Wednesdays we come together for spirituality night, which can be just as versatile. Listening to profound music, reading scripture, meditating, or just chatting about an issue and tying it to spirituality somehow are all cool, and the four of us are on a rotation, so each week is different depending on the person leading the night. This past Sunday morning, we decided to have “Spirituality Morning” instead of our regular Wednesday night slot, and Cat led us through a reflection on the five languages of love. Appropriate for the Valentine’s day, TODAYYY. Good timing, Cat.

Anyway, the five languages of love represent the ways that different people show and express love for another person in intimate relationships, friendships, and within a family. It was really amazing to understand and put into words the ways that I show love for other people, and important for me to realize that everyone is DIFFERENT. Learning about how my community mates each express and expect to be shown love was such a beautiful way to understand each other better. Here are the five languages- try to pick out the one to identify with the strongest.

(taken from http://www.5lovelanguages.com)

·         Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

·         Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

·         Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

·         Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

·         Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

After thinking about it for some time, I realized that my love language is TOTALLY quality time. I think my Dad’s might be too, because we spent A LOT of time just sitting outside together during the summer before I left, and I think it was really important to just be present in each other’s day for an hour or so. The weekly phone calls that I receive from my parents while here have been so incredible for me, as have the emails with my mom. I have so much love from home, and that’s how I remember it. Each week, like clockwork, they drop everything and call, and I can ramble about absolutely anything, and they’ll listen. Their presence in that way has already helped me process the initial weeks of this experience. Getting letters in the mail, knowing that someone took TIME out of their day to think about me, mean SO MUCH, and I am overwhelmed by a feeling of love every time I get mail. Before arriving in Tanzania, I felt the most loved when I felt heard, or TRULY seen, by another person. Good conversations, or even just good silent time with my friends, mean the world, and if I am interrupted, or someone is distracted when I want to tell them something important, or even a silly story, it really hurts. I am the absolute WORST person when it comes to buying a gift for someone, but there are few things I love more than making a gift to show someone how much he or she means to me. The time put into the gift, be it a card, a story, a song, a homemade wind chime, or a carefully planned surprise, shows how much I love the receiver of the gift. I often find myself literally following people around, even if we are not in the middle of a conversation, just because I want to be present to them. I’m sure it gets super annoying, but that’s just what I do. When reflecting on when I have felt the most loved, I automatically thought of my time in South Africa, when every morning, my roommate Vanessa would come into my room and eat a bowl of granola and yogurt on my bed while I sat at my desk. Sometimes we would talk, sometimes listen to music, sometimes just sit in silence as I checked emails or read and she crunched on her breakfast. Having someone present, and being present to another person, is probably the most comforting feeling in the world to me. Figuring that out about myself this Sunday was really special, and also very validating.

What was more special, though, was hearing about the ways other people express and receive love. Some people do not like physical touch, while others thrive off of it. I get extremely awkward when complimented, but others express love primarily through affirmations. When I forget to sweep the floor, it is nothing more than a moment of absent mindedness, but to another person it could be understood as a moment of neglect for the community.

I urge you to think about your own love language, and the languages of those you love, this Valentine’s Day. There is a book written by Gary Chapman that goes more into detail about these languages, so definitely read that if you are interested. I wish you all a happy and friendship-filled February 14^th, and know that my love goes out to each of you, even if my presence and quality time cannot.